I got a notice to vacate my apartment yesterday…

i came in on a high from having focused long enough to accomplish more than one task after weeks of lull — and then I turned around..

..it was another one. i’ve seen these a few times. 

which means — i’ve been here before. 

and each time my breath is snatched and tears well —

THREE DAYS to vacate or figure this out

i grabbed the paper off the back of the door and stuck it on my island. 

the tears started to form and I begin to think:

“God — why this AGAIN?”

“God — why this over and over AGAIN?! …..”

“God — i’m tired of needing help..”

“God — i don’t have it in me to ask for help again.”

“God — i’m tired of this fight.”

Holy Spirit immediately said: “aht aht. EXACTLY this again. now pivot into worship.”

and then God reminded me — 

He is the God who makes me MORE than a conqueror over and over and over AGAIN.

Holy Spirit then countered me with a better question: 

“HOW do you keep getting here?” 

somewhere in all of it i lost hope in my faith. 

and i still had roots of resentment towards God for gifting me with faith. 

somewhere in all the rejection and shame i convinced myself it’s better to just do it all on my own.

somewhere in all of it i told myself i wouldn’t fight anymore. 

somewhere in all of it rebellion and haughtiness took over.

somewhere in all of it wisdom became too offensive.

somewhere in all of it — i simply stopped believing for myself..

but God never stopped being GOOD.

•

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over a month ago unemployment told me i was ineligible to continue to receive benefits. 

THREE DAYS ago i finally spoke to an agent who told me it could take up to two weeks to fully rectify my situation. 

TODAY — THREE DAYS LATER — that back pay hit my account 

VACATE, where?! 

the amount is just enough to cover my rent. 

•

•

i told God last night — “i don’t care if i have to leave here but you are still GOOD even in this and i need who you are and not just what you can do every second of my life.”

i proudly stand in knowing what it’s like to need and ask for help.

these are the spaces where we can see the fullness of His power. there’s humility in the asking. you begin to recognize that God is willing you to be used in a place you’d never pick for yourself to die. 

you really gain greater understanding in your life being a daily sacrifice. 

God, i thank you for processing and delivering me through what needs to be vacated in my life. 

thank you for showing me what absolutely will not be going into my next.

thank you for never settling me in the places where i didn’t need you. thank you for always putting me in spaces to need you SO desperately. i pray to never lose this desperation. 

thank you for restoring my identity and value through faith. 

and i thank you for the miracle in the admission of help. 

may i never know what it’s like to not need you.

and i pray against the shame and embarrassment of needing help. 

and to everyone that has been and will be assigned to help me, i pray you reap a boomerang harvest. 

•

•

i don’t have a single clue about the rest of these bills but i know this today:

God is always on time. 

i have covering and i am covered.

and i have my life.

Wow, God. 

you’re really, really, really good.

I met Jesus at the bar…

Picture it — Brooklyn. 2017. Dark and stormy night. (yall see it? nah? aight lol)

Anyway,

It was not dark and stormy at all. It was real regular. I was walking into the bodega to get some water before going to happy hour. I passed a homeless guy on my way in and herein lies some details of my first encounter of hearing God vividly for myself.

God said, “Give him your last $100.”

Yall HAVE to know I IMMEDIATELY said “IKYFL”

I proceed with my intended purpose which was to BUY WATER. I also remember being immediately burdened with heavy anxiety as I walked through the store. Even as I write this now, I feel the same way.

I took that as part of my foundation of learning when to be aware of God speaking to me. And as much as I didn’t want to, when I walked out — I gave that man my last $100 and said — “God, you have GOT to DOUBLE this because this is foolish.”

I absolutely still found my way to happy hour because — yea. What you’re not about to do SIR is ask me to do this and I not try to drown it out. I’m thankful to have been with wonderful humans who didn’t mind covering me. It’s now an hour into this great act of obedience and I’m dead drunk. I mean I’m feeling real accomplished in drowning it out.

AND THEN……

an older guy in an all blue suit finds his way by my side.

I don’t even remember him walking in if I’m honest. All I do know is this— he stood next to me for the next hour affirming prayers I KNOW I’d ONLY prayed to God.

Here I am — drunk — in full TEARS and worship at this bar.

At the end of this encounter, he asks me to open my hands and prays protection over my life and walks out.

When I finally looked to see what he had placed in my hand —

it was $200

I’m just here to encourage you. That’s it.

God ain’t gone drop you. He can’t. It’s not his character.

the prayer:

Help us to trust you even more with our lives ESPECIALLY when it looks crazy. And help us to know you will always meet us exactly where we are.

“So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. FOR IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE, the Coming One will come and NOT delay”

(Hebrews 10: 35-38)

selah (breathe)

I have been addicted to porn…

….for as long as I can remember. My favorite sleep aid and temporary high in my darkest moments. I have been in the middle of watching sermons and reached for porn to soothe over pressing conviction. I have snuck away at work when it all became too much just for the high. For years I have known how tainted and skewed my perception of self had become and I still wanted the high. For years, I’ve reached and reached never earnestly praying for or believing I’d ever stop reaching for porn. The only real belief I’ve held is that I’m capable of stopping for short periods of time before reaching again…

I made that enough.

And then yesterday….

In a dark moment when my thoughts wandered to the great abyss of my personal hell, when all I wanted was to forget everything I was feeling and I needed that high, I heard God say “JUST take a nap”. And in the moment I remember thinking, “this is not going to be enough” and before I knew it, I was asleep.

I never made it to opening that private window. Never even touched the phone to reach for the best sleeping aid I’d known for all these years.

I JUST took a nap. 

I missed the potency of this moment until right now. I never believed I’d be able to stop reaching and if I’m honest I never wanted to pray for it to stop. I just knew deep down I believed I’d always need it to hold me over.

As I sift through the rubble of yesterday, I realize I kept reaching because I never believed God was capable of giving me romantic love in the ways that I desired. So why not just keep soothing that doubt with fantasy? And my deepest conviction being – I never chose to believe in these moments that God was enough…and I never allowed Him to be. 

In an outpouring of love and the most tender affection, God told me to rest. He put me to sleep to heal me even more. He frustrated me to a point of exasperation when all I could reach for and listen to was Him.

For the last year, I’ve been praying to live in greater truth. For boldness. For courage. To see myself as God does. And it’s not up to me to determine what the answer looks like but as for this moment and the ones that will come, I stand in the beauty of the intimate details God cares so much about.

I’ve been addicted to porn for as long as I can remember…

Today I live in the answered prayer of this truth – my desire to reach is in the sea of forgetfulness. 

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The prayer: 

God even when I couldn’t reach for you, the strength of your arms always reaches for me. You held me in the hells I put myself in and heard the depths of moans and words unspoken. You are THAT kind of God. The unconditional nature of your love knows no bounds. You care deeply about me and I choose to rest in that today. Keep changing me in the ways that you see fit and holding my heart in the tension. 

Thank you for loving an addict like me anyway. 

“May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14)

selah (breathe).

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Song of the day:

DOE: Reach