I got a notice to vacate my apartment yesterday…

i came in on a high from having focused long enough to accomplish more than one task after weeks of lull — and then I turned around..

..it was another one. i’ve seen these a few times. 

which means — i’ve been here before. 

and each time my breath is snatched and tears well —

THREE DAYS to vacate or figure this out

i grabbed the paper off the back of the door and stuck it on my island. 

the tears started to form and I begin to think:

“God — why this AGAIN?”

“God — why this over and over AGAIN?! …..”

“God — i’m tired of needing help..”

“God — i don’t have it in me to ask for help again.”

“God — i’m tired of this fight.”

Holy Spirit immediately said: “aht aht. EXACTLY this again. now pivot into worship.”

and then God reminded me — 

He is the God who makes me MORE than a conqueror over and over and over AGAIN.

Holy Spirit then countered me with a better question: 

“HOW do you keep getting here?” 

somewhere in all of it i lost hope in my faith. 

and i still had roots of resentment towards God for gifting me with faith. 

somewhere in all the rejection and shame i convinced myself it’s better to just do it all on my own.

somewhere in all of it i told myself i wouldn’t fight anymore. 

somewhere in all of it rebellion and haughtiness took over.

somewhere in all of it wisdom became too offensive.

somewhere in all of it — i simply stopped believing for myself..

but God never stopped being GOOD.

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over a month ago unemployment told me i was ineligible to continue to receive benefits. 

THREE DAYS ago i finally spoke to an agent who told me it could take up to two weeks to fully rectify my situation. 

TODAY — THREE DAYS LATER — that back pay hit my account 

VACATE, where?! 

the amount is just enough to cover my rent. 

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i told God last night — “i don’t care if i have to leave here but you are still GOOD even in this and i need who you are and not just what you can do every second of my life.”

i proudly stand in knowing what it’s like to need and ask for help.

these are the spaces where we can see the fullness of His power. there’s humility in the asking. you begin to recognize that God is willing you to be used in a place you’d never pick for yourself to die. 

you really gain greater understanding in your life being a daily sacrifice. 

God, i thank you for processing and delivering me through what needs to be vacated in my life. 

thank you for showing me what absolutely will not be going into my next.

thank you for never settling me in the places where i didn’t need you. thank you for always putting me in spaces to need you SO desperately. i pray to never lose this desperation. 

thank you for restoring my identity and value through faith. 

and i thank you for the miracle in the admission of help. 

may i never know what it’s like to not need you.

and i pray against the shame and embarrassment of needing help. 

and to everyone that has been and will be assigned to help me, i pray you reap a boomerang harvest. 

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i don’t have a single clue about the rest of these bills but i know this today:

God is always on time. 

i have covering and i am covered.

and i have my life.

Wow, God. 

you’re really, really, really good.