I have been addicted to porn…
….for as long as I can remember. My favorite sleep aid and temporary high in my darkest moments. I have been in the middle of watching sermons and reached for porn to soothe over pressing conviction. I have snuck away at work when it all became too much just for the high. For years I have known how tainted and skewed my perception of self had become and I still wanted the high. For years, I’ve reached and reached never earnestly praying for or believing I’d ever stop reaching for porn. The only real belief I’ve held is that I’m capable of stopping for short periods of time before reaching again…
I made that enough.
And then yesterday….
In a dark moment when my thoughts wandered to the great abyss of my personal hell, when all I wanted was to forget everything I was feeling and I needed that high, I heard God say “JUST take a nap”. And in the moment I remember thinking, “this is not going to be enough” and before I knew it, I was asleep.
I never made it to opening that private window. Never even touched the phone to reach for the best sleeping aid I’d known for all these years.
I JUST took a nap.
I missed the potency of this moment until right now. I never believed I’d be able to stop reaching and if I’m honest I never wanted to pray for it to stop. I just knew deep down I believed I’d always need it to hold me over.
As I sift through the rubble of yesterday, I realize I kept reaching because I never believed God was capable of giving me romantic love in the ways that I desired. So why not just keep soothing that doubt with fantasy? And my deepest conviction being – I never chose to believe in these moments that God was enough…and I never allowed Him to be.
In an outpouring of love and the most tender affection, God told me to rest. He put me to sleep to heal me even more. He frustrated me to a point of exasperation when all I could reach for and listen to was Him.
For the last year, I’ve been praying to live in greater truth. For boldness. For courage. To see myself as God does. And it’s not up to me to determine what the answer looks like but as for this moment and the ones that will come, I stand in the beauty of the intimate details God cares so much about.
I’ve been addicted to porn for as long as I can remember…
Today I live in the answered prayer of this truth – my desire to reach is in the sea of forgetfulness.
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The prayer:
God even when I couldn’t reach for you, the strength of your arms always reaches for me. You held me in the hells I put myself in and heard the depths of moans and words unspoken. You are THAT kind of God. The unconditional nature of your love knows no bounds. You care deeply about me and I choose to rest in that today. Keep changing me in the ways that you see fit and holding my heart in the tension.
Thank you for loving an addict like me anyway.
“May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14)
selah (breathe).
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Song of the day:
